The loss of someone you love is a shattering and life altering experience. The grieving that follows can be terribly lonely and disorienting.
Because friends may feel ill prepared to respond to someone who has experienced a death, visits can be incredibly uncomfortable. Then you end up not picking up the phone or stopping by to visit. For the person who is grieving this loss of friends can be devastating because it compounds their sense of loss, and makes their grief more difficult.
It doesn't have to be this hard, and when you understand exactly what you can do and say, you will feel comfortable staying in touch with your grieving friend. With a bit of knowledge you can get past your fear and discomfort and really be there for your friend.
What it takes is heart, presence and the capacity to listen.
Here are some of the best ways you can support a friend in their grief:
1. Don't feel sorry for them.
Most people would prefer being alone to being pitied. Empathize with their loss, don't pity them for it.
You do that by acknowledging their loss and showing you want to understand what they're going through. Be willing to sit with their tears understanding this is a normal and natural part of the process.
2. Don't feel you need to fix it.
As much as you might like to, you can't take away the pain of their loss anymore than they can. Honor that by being with the pain, understanding and supporting it, rather than trying to make it all better.
3. Ask questions and listen to the answers.
People in grief don't much like to talk about what they're feeling, but they do like to talk about the person who died. Most people find it comforting to remember with someone who shares those memories or who can at least appreciate them.
If you don't know what to ask, maybe you could share your own memories. People who are grieving usually like to hear what other's remember. If you have a photograph, make them a copy and give it to them.
4. Be prepared to listen to the same stories over and over again.
In the first few months, people often need to talk about the death and the the circumstances surrounding it. The telling of these stories, is a way of processing what's happened. The magnitude of the their loss is enormous which is why you may end up listening to the same story over and over and over again.
5. Talk about the person who died.
Many people worry that they'll be reminding their friend of their loss. Trust me, you can't remind them of something of something they are thinking about every moment of every day.
When your whole being is focused on someone who has died, it's a burden to have the people around you act as if nothing has happened. It's even worse when friends keep changing the subject every time the person's name comes up.
You can't imagine what a relief it is to be able to talk about the person you love without having people trying to distract you.
6. Allow them to cry or not as the situation warrants.
Tears tend to come and go. All you need to do is be present and reassuring. You don't need to say anything, just sit and wait. The tears are healing.
7. Stay in touch.
Grief takes a long time but most of the support disappears after the funeral. Often the worst of the grieving happens 6 months later so let them know that you haven't forgotten them.
The biggest obstacle is getting over your own discomfort. As you review the list above, you'll see how simple these things are, but they will mean the world to your friend who is grieving.
No comments:
Post a Comment